Friday, 25 October 2013

Two little weeks...

Third night in a row, home alone.
It's not something I do... alone...
I'm not quite sure what brought it on, was it perhaps the audible expression of my goal - to learn how to be alone?
Or more likely, it's him. 
I hate how much I love him. 

He's been in touch recently. He reached out several times, actually, I just didn't want to talk about it. It started with some messages from his brother, filling me in, and letting me know he was thinking of me. He was relocated to another prison, he was closer now. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't visit. I'd come so far in the last few months, I didn't want to feel so powerless again.

Then he started writing to me. At first it was just some casual conversation, touching base, making small talk. But then came the letter that changed it all. The letter that took me straight back there. The letter that reminded me of the power that he has over me. 

He explained why he did it, why he cut me off. I always thought that he kept me on a pedestal... I know him too well. Have you ever felt like that? So innately connected to someone that often you don't even want to voice your thoughts for fear of sounding ridiculous? 

He wanted me to take this time to find myself. He didn't want to weigh me down. He felt, that after being in a relationship for so long, I really needed to let my hair down and just BE ME. He also claimed that I was too good of a person to be visiting a criminal in prison, and that he was embarrassed by his situation. He wants to do better, to be better. 

But the thing is, so do I.

I felt strong. I had the upper hand. 

Then he started calling.

He gets out in two weeks, you see. The sound of his voice made my heart skip a beat. Just like the first time we reunited, time and distance has made no difference. The invisible rope that ties us together is as strong and sturdy as ever. He wants to see me. He calls to try and get me to agree to dinner as soon as he's out. And I hesitate, every time. Not because I don't want to see him. I want more than anything to have him hold me in his arms. But I'm scared. I'm so scared because I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone even though I know that I shouldn't. Because if I let him in and it doesn't work out then I'll be faced with a big fat 'I TOLD YOU SO'
from everyone. 

I'm scared because before, I had a safety net, I was married.
Whatever happened with Eden didn't matter, I had a husband to fall back on.
But now, it's just me. 

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