Friday, 12 July 2013

A Booty Call

Eden stopped calling.

So I stopped visiting.

I stopped writing. 

I started living.

At first the silence was deafening. I stared at my phone, begging it to ring. It took all my strength not to contact his family and ask about him, not to write to him to let him know I was thinking about him. Before long, I stopped carrying my phone everywhere with me. I stopped waiting for his call. I accepted that I had been incredibly foolish, devoting so much time and energy to a man who obviously didn't want me. 

I needed to feel wanted. Adam still wanted me, but I couldn't go back. I felt like I had already disconnected myself from him, that going back would cause more pain than pleasure. So I did what any red-blooded woman would do in my situation, I made a booty call. 

Gareth was an old friend who I hadn't spoken to for a while. He was married when we used to hang out, but I had a sneaking suspicion that he may have wished he wasn't when he was around me. I had a feeling that he and his wife may have split, so I sent him an email, simply saying hello. After a brief exchange he let me know that he was in fact now single and that he would love to catch up with me. I had caught him, hook, line and sinker. 

He arrived at my place with a few bottles of wine. We sat and drank a bottle, catching up, before calling a cab to head out for dinner. I could tell Gareth wasn't handling his break up too well, he wanted to talk it over and over, asking questions and trying to figure out what went wrong. He was anxious, he was fragile, but most of all, he was over the moon to be in my company.

After dinner we grabbed some cocktails and sat on a couch. 

"I have to tell you something." He stated.

"When we met, I was so happy. You were so beautiful and fun and amazing, and you were married. So we could be friends, and there was no issue, because we were both married." He was moving closer and closer to me as he spoke. I couldn't believe how easy this was. We decided at that moment to head back to my place. 

As we walked from the cab to my door, Gareth tried to put his arm around me. It was awkward, he was obviously way out of practice, and I laughed at him. We poured some more wine and sat on the couch. Then he took my glass from me and set it on the table, turning to me and asking in a very matter-of-fact way,

"Can I please have a kiss?"

Gareth was a little older than I was, and I found his gentlemanly approach very amusing. But it also made him seem vulnerable, it made me feel like he NEEDED this night with me. So I kissed him.

"Wow, that was incredible!" He was blown away. This was exactly the ego stroke I needed, so I pulled him back towards me and kissed him again. We made our way to the bedroom, stripping our clothes off as we approached my bed. Suddenly this 38 year old man was like a 17 year old school boy, eager and excited to be having sex for the first time. His enthusiasm was just what my self esteem needed.

But then he became needy. He wanted to hold my hand, to stroke my hair, to cuddle. I realised I'd made a mistake. What I was hoping to be a booty call, he was hoping to be the start of something new. I just wanted him to break my drought and go home.

For the next few weeks he called, emailed and messaged me constantly, begging me to see him, telling me how I made him feel alive again, that he wanted to make me happy. I couldn't believe the difference, I had an ex-husband and a lover who made me feel starved for attention, and here was a man desperate to give me his attention but I just wanted him to go away. I tried to tell him over and over that I didn't want anything from him, but he still wanted to see me. Eventually I had to lie and say I'd met someone, it was the only way to get him to leave me alone. 

And just like that, I feel free. I don't need Adam. I don't need Eden.
The power is in MY hands now.
I'm not longer a fragile woman at the mercy of a man.
And I love it.