Monday, 6 May 2013

Too hard, too much?

*Present day*

I left the office and headed for the motorway. After only one trip, I already felt used to this drive. The alone time in the car was almost enjoyable. The independence felt good.

There was something different this time though. I wanted to go, I wanted to see Eden, but I didn't feel as excited as usual. I felt down. I felt like this was becoming a burden. Like I was in a long distance relationship with someone who wasn't putting any effort in. Like I wished, just once, he could make the trip to visit ME. 

I was driving to a small town about half an hour from where Eden was, a friend was staying at a relatives for the night and offered me the couch. I pulled up outside the house just after 8pm. The quaint, fibro cottage looked small and cold and yet somehow still inviting. I think this was because of the warmth of the people inside, I knew that good hearts would be greeting me.

We chatted in front of the heater with tea and Iced VoVos. I felt welcomed and at home, and my somber mood soon lifted. As I snuggled into my sleeping bag on the couch, I mulled over the speech I was hoping to give Eden. I can't do this anymore. This is too hard. I need to think about me for a while. I started to feel like a terrible person. I promised him I wouldn't do this, I promised I wouldn't flee again, I told him I'd be here for him. I remembered the last time I gave him that speech. I remembered how he felt, and how I felt. The pain was indescribable. But how long could I try and be a friend to a man who I was in love with?

After breakfast we sat in the warm country sun, soaking up its rays. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. I spoke with my friend about country air, country hospitality, country atmosphere... It was just idyllic, I didn't want to leave. But the purpose of my trip was not to have a holiday, it was to see Eden, so I went on my way.

I pulled into the carpark feeling concerned. There were so few cars there that I wondered if I had the right day. The visitor centre reception was almost empty, but for one woman waiting patiently. After about 15 minutes a few more visitors arrived, and this prompted the guards to bring the drug detection dog out for a quick search. I was fascinated to see the dog park himself at a woman's feet. She had a slight rock and roll look to her with her mini skirt, singlet, boots and messy hair. The guards escorted her into a room for questioning, and only minutes after came out and asked the woman at the desk to call the Police. I felt disappointed that I wouldn't see what happened, because at the same time I was taken in to see Eden.

I didn't wait long, he strolled out looking tall and tough in his white jumpsuit. It always amazes me how a prison inmate can look so handsome and well groomed. He had kept the beard, and his hair was a little longer than usual.

"I love your hair longer! You look... less... mean?" I stroked his head and smiled.
"I'll have to cut it then." He joked.

We were off today, Eden and I. I'm not sure if he sensed my mood, or if he was perhaps in one of his own, but we were off. We sat quietly, occasionally filling the silence with small talk. My planned speech sat on the tip of my tongue, refusing to take the plunge. I wondered if Eden was also holding back, trying not to say what was really on his mind. For the first time since he was locked up, we ended the visit early. Inmates aren't allowed to use the bathroom during a visit, so when Eden said that the can of Pepsi Max he'd consumed had got the better of him, I accepted the early mark with gratitude.

The drive home was long and contemplative. I didn't doubt my love, but I did doubt Eden's. And as long as that thought lingered in my mind, I wasn't sure I had the strength to keep going. But then I thought, if I were to tell him now that this was too hard, and then in six months time, if he were to call me on his release, I'd be eager to see him. I'm always eager to see him. So then how would it be fair of me to pull the plug when it was hard for me (again) only to dive back in as soon as it became easy?


  1. One sided relationships are always tricky. Not that this is truly one side but Eden is limited in what he can give to the relationship at the moment. I hope he gets out sooner rather than later for you lovely

  2. Sounds like you have a really tough decision to make - I hope it all works out for the best for you.

    Visiting from #teamIBOT

  3. Mmmm.. I wonder what stopped you from saying something? Maybe not wanting to be so final? xx

  4. It's hard because at this point in can only be one sided. He can't come and see you, so there's not much he can do to show his affection. I can understand your frustration/


Comments give me goosebumps