How do you do it?

Do you remember that day on the park bench?

What was I doing? Was I plucking your eyebrows?

I remember sitting on the table, you on the bench seat, your face in my hands... I'm sure that we were trying to behave ourselves, but it didn't last long. It never does, does it?

I could only sit so close to you for so long before my lips started wandering, before your hands started wandering... As I slowly and softly covered your face in kisses, your hand gently made its way up my skirt...

I often think of that day, of how we felt in that moment.

The park surrounding us fell away and we were completely alone as you pulled me down and I wrapped my legs around you.

Never before had I felt such passion, such desire, such urgency...

Just as things really started to heat up, we heard voices approaching, and while you laughed, I curled up into you, equally embarrassed and disappointed, hiding my face in your chest.

No one else has met that girl, the girl who's willing to get frisky on a park bench. There were times when I wondered if she existed at all, if maybe it was all a dream.

But then I saw you again. And I climbed on top of you, with the blinds wide open for anyone who wanted to see.

How do you do it Eden? Is this what all girls are like around you?

Community

*flashback*

As much as we thought we were discreet, we were always so risky. We let our love consume us, and we would sometimes forget that I belonged to someone else.

I was at work one day, sitting down eating my lunch. Eden came in, he was wearing a white shirt and a white hat, he was so incredibly handsome in white, it really suited him. We had a quick chat and made plans to catch up later, and then he turned to walk away.

"Hey!" I called after him.

He turned towards me, I looked around to see if anyone was nearby, if anyone was watching...

"Give me a kiss?" I needed to feel his lips on mine.

He laughed and shook his head, he knew it was risky, he knew I was asking for trouble. He quickly kissed me before turning and taking off.

On another afternoon we snuck out to the carpark. We stood behind the building where we thought it was highly unlikely that anyone would see us. I was standing on a ledge so that I could be level with his face. His arms were around my waist, mine around his neck. Nose to nose, we talked about what he was going to do that afternoon, about meeting up later on. I remember softly kissing him as we spoke... It wasn't the hot, fast chemistry that we were used to, it was gentle and sweet... it was lovely. I'd give anything to feel that again.

Later I discovered a security camera pointing right at the spot we were standing. 

This place was like a community, a family. All of our customers were regulars, everyone knew everyone. Although we weren't bombarding them with public displays of affection, the fact that Eden and I were inseparable was evidence enough. They would see us at each others workplaces. They would see us on the street. They would see us at the local shopping centre, the beach, the football field... Not holding hands, not hugging or kissing, but always side by side. 

Adam worked locally as well, and it was well known that he was my husband. It didn't take long for some big-mouthed do-gooders to ask him how he felt about his wife shagging the resident bad boy. Adam knew about Eden and I, so it wasn't like he was surprised by the customers coming in to chat to him about my affair, but he was humiliated. It broke my heart, how could I have put him in that position? How uncomfortable and awkward and embarrassing to have to face that at work.

We both quit or jobs. We didn't return to the area, it was easier to just move on, it was better to leave it there.

Occasionally I would drive through that suburb when I was on my own. It reminded me of Eden. Of our love. I would drive through in the hope that fate would bring us back together. But the only thing that brought us back together was my own determination, my perseverance.

Should I take it as a sign, that after it took a deliberate act to reunite us, he was so quickly taken away from me again? Snatched right out of my hands after only a handful of encounters, our contact now limited by observant guards and six minute phone calls...
What a cruel twist of fate.

There's Something About Adam

*flashback*

I raced home from work with a silly grin spread across my face. I jumped out of the car and ran into the house, leaping into the kitchen where Adam was standing. I could not contain my excitement, I was over the moon.

"They picked me! They picked me! I got the promotion!" I shouted with glee. 

Silence fell upon the room. I was met with a blank expression. 

"Awesome." He replied flatly as he turned his back to me. 

The mood was instantly shattered, what was meant to be my celebration quickly turned into fear, had I done something wrong? When I questioned Adam I was accused of bragging, of being insensitive and too proud. You see, several weeks prior, one of Adam's colleagues was offered a promotion. A promotion that Adam hadn't applied for, he wasn't even interested in it. But the fact that I was offered a promotion just weeks after what he perceived as his own rejection, made Adam feel resentment towards me. I apologised for being so hurtful, I felt like a terrible wife.

Sadly, this was the story of my marriage. Years earlier, I missed my own University graduation because Adam had something else he wanted us to do that day. When my degree arrived in the mail, I was so proud that I framed it and hung it on the wall. When Adam came home from work and saw it, he laughed.

"That's a bit up yourself, don't you think?" He said as he parked himself in front of the TV, beer in hand.

The moment our first child was born was the proudest of my life. Our beautiful daughter arrived after a long, hard labour. I had pushed on through it without a single complaint or drug. I caught our baby in my arms and pulled her to my chest, amazed at my own achievement. Adam looked at both of us, bloody and sweaty, and with a look of indifference, he stood and said;

"I'm going home to have a shower and a sleep."

And then he walked off, leaving our brand new baby and I with the hospital staff. She was barely a minute old. You see, Adam was so tired after all of that work. All of that work sitting and reading his magazine while I laboured on my own.

12. Memories

*flashback*

It's funny how we remember different things. I remember the things that made me love him. He remembers the things that made it so hard. Or maybe they're just the only things he needs to talk about.

Eden and I went to the supermarket to get some things. I remember walking down an aisle, and turning to see him casually eating a Cadbury Cream Egg. He held it up to my mouth, and giggling, I took a bite. I loved that about him, his carefree attitude, his confidence, his love of chocolate. We went back to his place and he cooked us dinner. I remember sitting on the kitchen bench in my work clothes, watching him, thinking how lucky I was to have this man in my life. I wanted him to leave the food and come and kiss me, but he would only allow a quick kiss because he was so focused on cooking me a nice meal.

I remember taking a shower and shaving my legs. It was so strange to feel so comfortable making myself at home. I walked into the lounge room where Eden was lying down watching TV. I joined him on the lounge and before long the TV was nothing but background noise. I couldn't keep my hands off him. We went to bed and made the most of our night together. I always found it hard to sleep next to him, it was difficult to switch off. I'd stare at his beautiful face, the rise and fall of his chest, I'd hold him close, wishing that I never had to let him go.

I remember laying on his bed, on my stomach, looking up at Eden standing over me. A look came over his face, a slight grin...

"What?" I asked.

"You're just so beautiful." He smiled at me.

I always wished I could have seen myself through his eyes. No one had ever spoken to me like he did. No one had ever loved me like he did. Sure, Adam loved me. But Eden, he adored me. And the feeling was mutual. 

When I think of these times, these everyday occurrences, I remember how I felt back then. I remember me, I remember him, I remember US. And I pine for it...

10. Goodbye

*flashback*

February 2005

I remember the moment that something finally snapped in me.
When I finally decided to give a shit about my marriage. 

We were sitting on the spare bad and talking about how we would separate, splitting up all of our things. Then it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. Adam had given up on us, he'd given up on me. Prior to this day, he'd been hanging on, and on, and on... so maybe what I always wanted was to feel wanted? Once he'd let go, I started to panic. Divorce? Already? 

I decided to see a counsellor, and this made Eden furious. 

"If you need someone else to sit there and tell you who you should be with then just forget about it. It's not about anyone else, it's about you. WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I talked to the counsellor about Eden. I don't know if my memory has faded over time, but I think the conversation went along the lines of... I knew Adam was safe. I knew he was good husband material. Eden wasn't safe, and choosing him might lead me down the path of a life that I didn't want for myself, a path my mother took and it really didn't work out well for her.

After several sessions, Adam started coming with me. We talked about us and the problems we had. We talked about Eden. And somehow, some way, we decided to stay together. The counsellor said that there was only one way to make it work, I had to cut Eden off, completely. I wasn't sure if I could.

I wrote Eden a letter. I'd always communicated better in writing. I drove to his place and sat him down. He knew straight away; he burst into tears. I tried to explain but he was too angry, he asked me to leave without even reading my letter. I went home and collapsed on my bed, Adam came in to see me and I told him it was done, and that I needed to be alone. I cried harder than I've ever cried before. And then my phone rang. It was Eden, he'd read my letter, he wanted me to come back.

I raced out the door back to his place. He was still so upset. He said he was touched by the letter, that although he might not have agreed, he certainly understood. He told me he might go to his mums for a while. We said goodbye.

I kept his number for a while, I couldn't let go. But finally in a counselling session, the counsellor and Adam put me on the spot, I had to delete it. Soon after I changed my own number, and that was that. I had lost my garden of Eden. I had lost a part of myself.

9. The pain and the sorrow

*flashback*

January 2005

I've been a bad, bad girl. I've been careless with a delicate man,
and it's a sad, sad world, when a girl will break a boy just because she can...

I told Adam that I loved Eden. 

I was so confused. I loved Adam, that's why I married him, so how could I love Eden so much? You're only supposed to love one person aren't you? I felt that I HAD to tell him, he needed to know that I was going through this. I know how self-centered that sounds, and in hindsight I really doubt that honesty was the best policy. 

I went out for a while - to let Adam absorb what I had said. When I came home, the house was dark and quiet. I walked through the house looking for Adam... I found him sitting in an arm chair with a knife to his wrist. He was shaking, he was crying. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" I cried.

"I can't put it down!" He sobbed.

I took the knife and threw it across the room, catching his head in my arms and holding him to my chest. He was mumbling that he didn't know how to live without me, that he didn't want to know how. I was shattered, how could I have done this to him, how could I have made him feel this way? 

But then I was angry. This was what I couldn't stand, he didn't WANT me, he NEEDED me, and I didn't want that sort of responsibility. I wanted him to be his own person. I wanted him to know who he was. I felt like I had married a child, we weren't equal partners in this at all.

Once he calmed down I needed to talk to someone, and that someone was Eden. I was quite shaken up and Eden was the only person I could tell about this; our friends and family couldn't know. At first he felt dreadful, suggesting that maybe we should try and keep some distance. But then he joined me in anger, how selfish was Adam to pull a stunt like that? There we were, 2 people having an affair, accusing the innocent husband of being selfish.

The 3 of us spent several days absolutely miserable. I'm ashamed to admit what happened next. I told Adam I needed to clear my head, to think about what I wanted. It was true. I told him I would stay in a hotel. This time, I thought it best to lie, so I told Adam I just needed some space and that I was alone.

I did stay in a hotel. But I wasn't alone. And it was Eden's birthday.

We spent the weekend together. We went swimming, we had dinner, we gambled. Some of his friends and cousins came to have drinks with us. In the morning, Eden said he had to do something and asked if he could borrow my car. I agreed and stayed in bed, finally getting some alone time. And then I lost it. I cried into my pillow, wondering what on earth I was doing. Adam messaged me to ask how I was and if I was alone. This time I didn't lie. I was alone and I was a mess.

When I went home I kept up the "I was alone" story. There was just one problem. The receipt in the glove box clearly stated that there were 2 adults occupying the hotel room.

A couple of weeks later it was Valentine's Day. In an effort to keep me, Adam took me to dinner. At dinner, all I could think about was Eden. So when he asked me, this time I couldn't lie. I loved Eden. I wanted Eden. And I'd been sleeping with him. He asked for all of the sordid details, and I answered every question. Worst day of my life, I can only imagine how bad it was for him.

Adam wanted to hurt me. He wanted revenge. And he knew just how to get it. He called both of my parents, separately, to let them know that their slut of a daughter was sleeping with another man. In those words. And he spat those vicious words at me until we finally agreed it was time that we separated.

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day like the next will never come...

7. The Turning Point: Part Two

*flashback*

January 2005

"I need a break. I need to get away. I'm going to stay with (insert random friend's name) for a couple of days. Her family have a place down south."

I barely even looked at Adam as I packed my bag. He stood there, helpless, miserable, not knowing what to say or do. I'm sure he didn't believe me, but he didn't question me, he just let me walk out.

I picked Eden up and we drove through the night. It was a long, quiet drive. We were both still tired from our big night at the cemetery. We stopped at a service station and as I was standing there he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me... A sense of peace washed over me. I was enveloped in comfort. I felt like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. 

Sometime after midnight we pulled up at a gorgeous beach house. The large, wooden veranda was painted blue and yellow and it had a beautiful ocean view. It was picture perfect. His room was on the outside of the house, with it's own external door. Eden had never seen me naked before, up until this point we hadn't even been in an enclosed space together. We quickly changed and fell onto the bed, exhausted. 

Not even the lack of sleep and energy was enough to dampen the chemistry between us. We'd never been in a bed together before... It started with some snuggling, that led to kissing, and before long I pulled him on top of me.

"I could really have sex with you right now." He whispered.

With that I pulled his shorts off.

The next day I met his family. His mum, his little brother, his nan... Down there, I wasn't Adam's wife. Down there, I was Eden's girlfriend, and I loved it. We took a walk along the water and saw stingrays swimming beneath the jetty. We went shopping, we held hands, we hugged and we kissed, just like a normal couple. We'd never been like this before, and it felt amazing. 

I loved seeing him like this, he and his family had an honest and loving relationship, and they were nothing but nice to the random girl he turned up with out of the blue. But we had to go home; I had a new job to start. When I dropped him back at his place, we both knew we'd changed forever. There was no denying it now, we were truly, madly, deeply in love.

5. The Turning Point: Part One

*flashback*

December 2004

It was New Years' Eve, that's when it changed. Adam and I had an argument because someone told him that I had been at Joseph's house with Eden. In actual fact, it was a legitimate drug deal and not a romantic indiscretion (that was my justification anyway). Joseph was Eden's mate, I had bought a stash of acid and since it wasn't easy to come by, I sold some to them.

That's how it was back then. Acid, speed, ecstasy, MDMA, pot... and we'd all get on it. Adam wasn't so into the drug scene but many of our friends were. I would never say that any of us had a problem, we just wanted to have a good time.

Adam and I were at a New Years Eve party with friends when Joseph and Eden called me... from memory I think they wanted more acid. My best friend Clare and I loved taking a drive when we were high. In hindsight it was incredibly stupid, but it was our thing. We were a little bored at the party, so we were more than happy to do a drug run. We picked up Joseph and Eden and drove around. The four of us were high, and we took delight in egging the car and house of someone we used to call a friend. We visited a mosque and dared each other to go in. Then Clare and I decided it was time to head back to the party so we dropped them off.

Adam was drinking, and when Clare and I returned, he was really angry. It didn't help when my phone rang again, and I almost rolled on the ground laughing when Joseph yelled at me through the phone "YOU NEED TO COME BACK! I NEED SOME LIP BALM!" (In reference to my obsession with it).

Adam went off at me, calling me a junkie and all sorts of things before going home. I can't blame him. Here we were with our friends, one of which had seen me hanging out with a bunch of guys, only to then have me leave the party to meet the same guys, only to then have them call me again. He let all of his anger build up until it exploded.

But, you see... I was high. So when he left the party, Clare and I decided we would too. We went back and picked up Joseph and Eden and went for a drive. And what do four high people do when driving around in the wee hours of the morning? We went to a cemetery, walked around, read some tombstones, we explored. I didn't even kiss Eden that night, we were just hanging out like friends.

I finally went home at around 8am. Adam was furious, how dare I go out all night. I was furious, how dare he expect me to stay home all night just because he doesn't like to party. I felt judged. He knew who I was when he married me, he shouldn't be trying to change me now. I tried to get some sleep before work that afternoon.

Later that day at work, Eden came to visit me. I sat and had a break and we talked. I told him about the fight with Adam, how I was over it, how I didn't want to go home... I suggested we find somewhere to go, I had a couple of days off, we could get away.

Turns out he knew just the place...

To be continued

3. That First Kiss

*flashback*

December 2004

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start, and I bet, and you exploded into my heart...

In the beginning it was justifiable. In my mind anyway. Eden might have had my number, he might have made my heart race, but we were just hanging out. I couldn't keep away from him. Before work, during work, after work, I just wanted to be around him. I didn't understand how I could meet someone and feel so incredibly tied to them. It happened so quickly.

Adam knew we were hanging out, and he knew we had exchanged numbers, but I constantly reassured him. We were friends, there was nothing more to it than that. It didn't help that Adam and I worked different shifts, and he was mostly working nights.

One day I was hanging out at the bakery before work. When I left, I went to kiss Eden on the cheek to say goodbye, as I always did. I'm not sure what went wrong... But we missed. This was the first time any real, tangible lines were crossed. Our kiss on the cheek was a kiss on the lips. A quick one, but on the lips no less. As I hurried across the road I knew I was in trouble, I enjoyed it way too much.

Eden and I decided we should talk about 'us'. We were obviously more than friends, we were obviously fooling ourselves. I can't tell you how the conversation went, I can't recall it. All I can remember is sitting in my car outside his place, and whispering...

"I'm not sure what I'll regret more, if I do kiss you... Or if I don't..."

And then we kissed. I couldn't help myself, I was so drawn to him. I won't lie, it was the best first kiss of my life. Charged with so much passion and intensity. My first kiss with Adam had been a drunken, sloppy one. But this, this was smooth and it was hot and it was so hard to stop.

I left him there and went home. I felt on top of the world. I couldn't believe that I felt like this. I had never doubted my love for Adam. Adam was a good man, and he always gave me butterflies in my stomach. But Eden ignited a fire in my heart. A fire that burned deep and bright and so incredibly hot. And from that night on, every time I saw him, I HAD to kiss him. I had to.

I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die... There's a place for us...

1. The Prologue

*flashback*
November 2004

"That's Eden." the Manager informed me. 

"He's been barred for a while for getting into a scuffle, we've decided to let him back in. Keep an eye on him." 

Gladly...

In my early 20's I worked as a waitress. I kind of fell into this job, a friend worked there and they needed someone to serve customers and clean tables. What started as a few shifts turned into a couple of years. The place had a real community feel to it. The staff, the customers, it was one big dysfunctional family and I fit right into it.

One quiet afternoon, a man strolled confidently through the doors as if they were his own. I'd not seen him before, I would definitely remember him. He was gorgeous; I couldn't help but stare. He was tall, tanned, dark blonde hair, a nicely toned body and 2 black eyes. His name was Eden.

Later I asked one of the other waitresses about him. Turned out he'd recently been released from prison, though no one could really tell me what he was in for. He visited frequently and we got to talking, he was always flirtatious but yet disinterested enough to have me desperate for more. He was funny with a quick wit, and he laughed at my jokes... I was hooked.

The first time we touched is clear as day in my mind. I walked out to clean some tables and he got up and came past me, his arm brushing up against mine. It was electric, the skin on my arm tingled, the hair stood up and I felt short of breath. It was incredible.

He worked as a baker a few shops up and we saw each other almost every day. I was excited to go to work, I would anxiously wait for him to come in for his lunch. If I didn't see him, I would walk up past the bakery, pretending I had errands to run. And before long, he asked for my number.

He asked for my number. This gorgeous man wanted MY number. I couldn't believe it. He was sexy, he was funny, and he was interested in little old me. I wrote it on a napkin and dropped it in front of him as I went out to clean tables.

My cheeks were on fire, my heart was pumping.

There was just one problem. I was married.