Saturday, 2 March 2013

Of Truths and Lies

*Present day*

My phone doesn't leave my hand, not even for a second. On a daily basis it rings, Unknown number flashes across the screen. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I answer it. Always at his beck and call, even while he's locked up. I run to find some privacy as I swipe my finger across the screen, I know that I have at least thirty seconds while the automated greeting plays, before I'll hear his voice.

For a moment I considered that he only calls me so often because he has nothing else to do, that perhaps he doesn't call because he wants to speak to ME specifically, but rather he just needs to speak to ANYONE. But then I think back to the weeks leading up to his return to jail; when he would text me on a daily basis. And then I remember how it was eight years ago, when we were inseparable. When we couldn't get enough of each other. And I think to myself, yes, we sure have something special...

Eden was telling me about the Correctional Centre that he's currently in. He doesn't like it there, but he'll be staying there until after his appeal, when he'll be relocated to spend the remainder of his sentence at an older jail. He told me that he was looking forward to moving because he will be able to catch up with a mate. A mate who still has 17 years left of his sentence. 

"17 years?" I asked. "For what?"



"You're friends with a murderer..." It was more of a statement than a question. I was trying to process it in my own mind. 
"It's a long story, I'll tell you when you visit."

Michael's words were now rolling through my thoughts: What will you do when he gets out and he makes another bad choice? A bad choice that might put you and your family in danger?

Suddenly I'm sitting on that fence again, the fence of judgement. I don't know this 'mate'. I don't know the story. But I'm scared. I wonder what I'm getting myself into.

Then there's Adam. Part of me feels like a horrible person for pulling the wool over his eyes, he has no idea that I've been in constant contact with Eden for over a month now. But I know how he'll feel if he finds out. From experience, I've learned that honesty isn't always the best policy. If you haven't ever had an affair, you wouldn't understand it; but telling your partner is a selfish act, you do it to relieve yourself of the burden and they are left with the ashes after the fire. I won't do that to him again.

I have moved out of the home we shared, I've told Adam that it's over. He wasn't entirely surprised, he knew that we had problems and I have mentioned leaving several times over the years. I guess I have come to the point where I know that if I could do this to him then I shouldn't be with him. He deserves a woman who CAN'T lie to his face about sneaking off to visit another man in prison.

A man who considers a murderer a friend...

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