Saturday, 16 February 2013

11. Another Goodbye

*Present day*

Lately I've been feeling like a paranoid stalker. In my tiny little egocentric mind, I felt like Eden was my unicorn and I was chasing after him, wondering why I just couldn't catch him. 

We caught up last week, I went to see him at his place. He was different. He didn't sit next to me. He wasn't hungover. He was on edge... It took me about 10 minutes to realise that it wasn't me at all, the poor guy was just so overloaded with stress and drama that he was struggling to remain composed. 

He had some things he needed to do so I offered him a lift. Once we were in the car, he relaxed. This was how it used to be, just the 2 of us driving around. We laughed, we reminisced, then I dropped him off, he kissed me on the cheek, and I went to work.

I woke at around 7am the following morning. There were 2 text messages on my phone from Eden asking me to go and see him, the first at 3am and the second at 6am. I was worried about him, it was the eve of his court date and maybe he wasn't handling it as well as he made out. But I had to go to work.

At 1130am he called me, he sounded... defeated. I dropped everything, I grabbed my things and went to his place. He walked out, shoulders slumped, with red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks. I hugged him and took him to my car. We drove around, picking up some of his papers and clothes, before going to grab some lunch. Sitting in my car with him, everything came flooding back, for both of us... We talked about how we used to drive around all the time, how we used to just laugh and have so much fun together, we always enjoyed each others company.

And then he said something. Something that shocked me.
Something that I wish I could hear over and over again...

"You and I would have been married pretty quickly I reckon, if you weren't already..."

Married. I often wondered if what we had was one sided. I wondered if I was only appealing to him because I was unavailable. But he wanted to marry me. We only knew each other for 5 months.

We talked about love VS lust. Eden was the type of guy who spent a lot of time thinking about things. He'd been thinking about us and wondering if maybe I never really loved him, maybe I just lusted after him. But our relationship was always more emotional than physical, the physical side was just a bonus. We loved being together, we opened up to each other, we were inseparable. Thick as thieves.

"Do you remember that night when we were laying in bed and Adam called you and he said he was at the beach?" Eden asked.

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I'd forgotten about that phone call. The second time Adam threatened to take his own life. I'd wiped it from my memory, but as soon as Eden mentioned it, it came flooding back. It was around 3am, Adam called and told me he was by the water and wanted to jump in. I talked him into going home.

Eden was a good man, and the phone call really shocked him to his core. He felt terrible. He didn't want to be responsible for someone feeling that way. The fact that he'd been thinking about it now made the puzzle pieces start to come together. Coming back like this, right before his court date, bringing back not only the good memories but the bad ones, I was really messing with his head. He didn't want to go through all of that again.

I pulled up at the bus stop. I told him I was afraid that I wasn't going to see him again.
"I can't do this right now. I can't commit to anything. I've got so much to sort out. When you need me, I've got your back, but right now... I just can't..." Eden had trouble finding the words.

I took his hand and looked him in the eye. I always struggle to make eye contact with him because there is so much feeling tied to it.
"I'm not asking for anything from you. I don't expect anything. No promises, no commitments. You've got shit to sort out, so do I. I just need you to know that..."
Eden cut me off before I could finish.
"I know. Don't say it. I know."

We kissed. He got out and walked away.

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