Tuesday, 12 February 2013

8. Lost in the Garden of Eden

*Present day*

I wonder if Adam knows, if he recognises the signs. My phone is glued to my hand, I won't let it out of my sight. I can't look at him. I can't touch him. I'm barely even talking to him. I justify it all in my head with the knowledge that I'm not being intimate with them both at the same time. I'm not talking about physical intimacy, I'm talking about emotional intimacy. I've completely shut Adam out, just so I can let Eden in again.

And now I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think... I can't do anything but dream about Eden. He's taken over me again. I sit staring at my phone, willing it to light up. Maybe if I watch it long enough it will happen... The longer it takes, the more I obsess. Please flash. Please vibrate. Please just do SOMETHING to put my mind at ease.

I don't know how I got here, but I've been here before. It's a place of the highest of highs, accompanied by the lowest of lows. I've always known it was here, I didn't need directions. I've spent years intentionally avoiding it, but secretly hoping that I'd accidentally end up here again. Just to feel that high. Just to know that it was real.

Now I'm knee deep in it... deeper even. I prayed it wouldn't be the same. With all of my being I wanted it to feel different, to look different, to smell different. But... it's the same. Oh my god it's the same and it just blows my mind. How is that possible?

He makes me want to forget everything I know. Nothing else matters but being there, in my garden of Eden, experiencing him, soaking him up... When I'm there, it's like nothing else exists.

And now... well now I don't know how to get out again. It was so hard last time, it took work, HARD work. Surely if it's that hard then I'm not supposed to leave? 

I know why I left last time. I know why I chose Adam. On paper, it's a no brainer. Adam is from a good family. He doesn't get into trouble, he doesn't do drugs, he's good looking, he pushes all of the right buttons in bed, he's safe. That's the kind of man you want to make a family with, right?

But Eden, Eden gets me. He makes me laugh. He never NEEDED me, he just WANTED me. He's told me what he thinks of me more times in the months we've spent together than Adam has in over a decade. That might sound vain, but to me, it means everything.

If you could take the best qualities of each of them and combine them into one man, my god you'd have perfection.

I wish I had all of the answers. I wish there was an easy way out, a navigation system that would offer simple directions in an annoying voice and I'd be where I am supposed to be in no time at all. If only...


  1. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely, I have been there before as well, I don't want to go there again, as much as my heart may have raced reading this.... The excitement of it all is hard to beat though

  2. "If you could take the best qualities of each of them and combine them into one man, my god you'd have perfection." I'm not saying I'm not happy, because I am, but if anything it's stuff like this that perhaps makes me wish I'd had a chance to date more before settling down, just for variety. Good luck. #teamIBOT

  3. I think my boatman has all those qualities. As far as I'm concerned he is as close to perfection as a man can get. I'm pretty lucky :)

  4. A good friend of mine went through what you are - she still married her Adam and I kept her secret - she's happy, I think. Loving the honesty :)

  5. It sounds like neither of them are the right man for you. I have thought that before but the right man will be everything that you desire. I know that now. Good luck

  6. I hope you can find your way out and be at peace with whatever decision you make as it sounds as if you will have to choose between them in the end.

  7. I wouldn't want the perfect man. I'm not the perfect woman and I couldn't compete. Rachel x


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