Wednesday, 13 February 2013

9. The pain and the sorrow

January 2005

I've been a bad, bad girl. I've been careless with a delicate man,
and it's a sad, sad world, when a girl will break a boy just because she can...

I told Adam that I loved Eden. 

I was so confused. I loved Adam, that's why I married him, so how could I love Eden so much? You're only supposed to love one person aren't you? I felt that I HAD to tell him, he needed to know that I was going through this. I know how self-centered that sounds, and in hindsight I really doubt that honesty was the best policy. 

I went out for a while - to let Adam absorb what I had said. When I came home, the house was dark and quiet. I walked through the house looking for Adam... I found him sitting in an arm chair with a knife to his wrist. He was shaking, he was crying. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" I cried.
"I can't put it down!" He sobbed.

I took the knife and threw it across the room, catching his head in my arms and holding him to my chest. He was mumbling that he didn't know how to live without me, that he didn't want to know how. I was shattered, how could I have done this to him, how could I have made him feel this way? 

But then I was angry. This was what I couldn't stand, he didn't WANT me, he NEEDED me, and I didn't want that sort of responsibility. I wanted him to be his own person. I wanted him to know who he was. I felt like I had married a child, we weren't equal partners in this at all.

Once he calmed down I needed to talk to someone, and that someone was Eden. I was quite shaken up and Eden was the only person I could tell about this; our friends and family couldn't know. At first he felt dreadful, suggesting that maybe we should try and keep some distance. But then he joined me in anger, how selfish was Adam to pull a stunt like that? There we were, 2 people having an affair, accusing the innocent husband of being selfish.

The 3 of us spent several days absolutely miserable. I'm ashamed to admit what happened next. I told Adam I needed to clear my head, to think about what I wanted. It was true. I told him I would stay in a hotel. This time, I thought it best to lie, so I told Adam I just needed some space and that I was alone.

I did stay in a hotel. But I wasn't alone. And it was Eden's birthday.

We spent the weekend together. We went swimming, we had dinner, we gambled. Some of his friends and cousins came to have drinks with us. In the morning, Eden said he had to do something and asked if he could borrow my car. I agreed and stayed in bed, finally getting some alone time. And then I lost it. I cried into my pillow, wondering what on earth I was doing. Adam messaged me to ask how I was and if I was alone. This time I didn't lie. I was alone and I was a mess.

When I went home I kept up the "I was alone" story. There was just one problem. The receipt in the glove box clearly stated that there were 2 adults occupying the hotel room.

A couple of weeks later it was Valentine's Day. In an effort to keep me, Adam took me to dinner. At dinner, all I could think about was Eden. So when he asked me, this time I couldn't lie. I loved Eden. I wanted Eden. And I'd been sleeping with him. He asked for all of the sordid details, and I answered every question. Worst day of my life, I can only imagine how bad it was for him.

Adam wanted to hurt me. He wanted revenge. And he knew just how to get it. He called both of my parents, separately, to let them know that their slut of a daughter was sleeping with another man. In those words. And he spat those vicious words at me until we finally agreed it was time that we separated.

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done

I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day like the next will never come...

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