10. Goodbye

*flashback*

February 2005

I remember the moment that something finally snapped in me.
When I finally decided to give a shit about my marriage. 

We were sitting on the spare bad and talking about how we would separate, splitting up all of our things. Then it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. Adam had given up on us, he'd given up on me. Prior to this day, he'd been hanging on, and on, and on... so maybe what I always wanted was to feel wanted? Once he'd let go, I started to panic. Divorce? Already? 

I decided to see a counsellor, and this made Eden furious. 

"If you need someone else to sit there and tell you who you should be with then just forget about it. It's not about anyone else, it's about you. WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I talked to the counsellor about Eden. I don't know if my memory has faded over time, but I think the conversation went along the lines of... I knew Adam was safe. I knew he was good husband material. Eden wasn't safe, and choosing him might lead me down the path of a life that I didn't want for myself, a path my mother took and it really didn't work out well for her.

After several sessions, Adam started coming with me. We talked about us and the problems we had. We talked about Eden. And somehow, some way, we decided to stay together. The counsellor said that there was only one way to make it work, I had to cut Eden off, completely. I wasn't sure if I could.

I wrote Eden a letter. I'd always communicated better in writing. I drove to his place and sat him down. He knew straight away; he burst into tears. I tried to explain but he was too angry, he asked me to leave without even reading my letter. I went home and collapsed on my bed, Adam came in to see me and I told him it was done, and that I needed to be alone. I cried harder than I've ever cried before. And then my phone rang. It was Eden, he'd read my letter, he wanted me to come back.

I raced out the door back to his place. He was still so upset. He said he was touched by the letter, that although he might not have agreed, he certainly understood. He told me he might go to his mums for a while. We said goodbye.

I kept his number for a while, I couldn't let go. But finally in a counselling session, the counsellor and Adam put me on the spot, I had to delete it. Soon after I changed my own number, and that was that. I had lost my garden of Eden. I had lost a part of myself.